This was post break-up, dating freedom mission #2.
This particular guy was from another dating website. I'm going to call him BrainSlug. His emails were short but interesting and he was quick to want to meet. We didn't share much in the way of interests, but I figured he was a seaplane mechanic and a pilot during the summer so he would at least have good stories to tell.
I set up all my normal first date safety nets up (I know his full name and place of employment - information that I've given to a close friend who I will text message before a certain time...after this time, they will call me. If I don't answer they will begin to panic and I had better be in trouble because they are calling in the cavalry) and agreed to meet him for dinner and a movie. This was his idea.
It's the holiday season and I'm feeling pretty good. On my way there though, I have the strangest series of experiences.
First, there are like 300 people all dressed up as Santa Claus and beyond drunk wandering around. One of them throws a beer can in the back of my pickup. They are everywhere and I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Was there an event that I had heard nothing about?
After navigating the Santa Clauses, I find a good parking place. It happens to be on the same street as my date's car. I know this because he is driving an old diesel British taxi his father and he had just gotten somewhere in Portland. They are pretty distinctive. Then the second strange thing happens: a cop is ticketing the taxi. I park my truck and walk over to the cop. Our conversation goes like this:
"Hi, I have a question. I couldn't find any signs and I'm not sure if it is okay to park there (wave vaguely in the direction of my truck) because if it isn't, I'd rather just move it and save you the trouble of writing me a ticket." I say and smile.
"Where? There, that's fine," says the cop, all gruff and not thinking for a second that I'm funny.
"Okay, thanks." I hesitate and then plunge on, "One more question please. I have a blind/first date with the guy whose car you are ticketing. Should I tell him before or after the date that he got a ticket?" (in retrospect, the blind/first date thing is a stupid thing to say since all blind dates are first dates)
He sort of just blinks at me, then almost smiles (I AM funny, I am!) and says "Don't ruin the date from the get go. I wouldn't tell him if I were you."
Vital advice since I really wasn't sure what to do about it. The cop keeps chatting with me now and wants to know when the date will be over since his father used to repair these cars back in England and he'd like to chat about them. I tell the cop 10 and move along to my date...
I meet him at the bar and he looks nothing like his pictures but I do so he picks me out of a crowd of drunk Santa Clauses. We go to some Mexican restaurant where I begin to realize I'm doomed to listen to the buzzing in my ears. Every question meets with a 3 word or less answer. He won't say much about his job, has no funny stories about clients he's flown into the San Juan islands, and doesn't ask me anything. It's like having dinner with someone with a Brain Slug. I'm not eating my food and when he gets up to use the restroom, the waitress comes over to ask concernedly if it is okay. I tell her it's a first date and she shakes her head pityingly. The check comes and he's annoyed that I balk at splitting it. Hey buddy, I had the $5 salad and no drink and you invited me out. Grudgingly he offers to get this, but says that I can get the movie tickets. Fine.
Dinner has taken less than 30 minutes so it is too soon to go to the theater. He wants to wander around. I wore comfortable shoes and I'm all for wandering up and down this long busy brightly lit road, but the very very tall man wants to go down the quiet residential streets. He flashes more annoyance that I'm not interested in checking out the inside of the taxi even if it has the original ads on the seats.
I buy the movie tickets and he buys himself a box of Junior Mints. He asks if I want anything, but I figure that he means he'll pick something up for me but I'll have to reimburse him. Besides, I just had a holiday sugar overload at work and the last thing I want is more candy. We find seats.
The next 10 minutes drag on painfully as the theater fills up. He doesn't say anything to me except to repeatedly shake the box of junior mints in my face and ask if I want any. Over and over until I threaten with no humor to take them away and throw them under the chairs.
The movie finally starts and is good. No Country for Old Men is excellent and completely reminds me of Cormac McCarthy's books in style and pacing. (I haven't read this one) When the movie was over, I stand up quickly and dash for freedom.
Damn damn damn...I parked on the same street, now there will be that awkward goodbye where he might want to touch me...help help help. And there help is: the cop. I see him coming, wave my goodbye to the date that made me understand the trapped animal's desire to chew my own leg off, and dash for my truck.
So, I learned a lot from this date. Firstly, if a cop is the highlight of your date, it can officially be labeled as bad. Secondly, I always set up a special text code with one of my friends. If they get it, they are to call with a "girl emergency" so I can get away. We call them code blues. It's been a blast to make them up. Thirdly, don't let holiday sugar impair your dating judgment people.
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