I started this adventure on a dating website and was emailed by Smelly Liar to see if I was interested in chatting and getting to know each other. I proceeded to chat online with Smelly Liar and he seemed nice so I gave him my cell phone number so we could text. Over the next few days he mostly seemed nice but my first red flag was that he really wanted me to come over to his place 24 hours after I had started chatting with him for a one on one dinner in his home for his birthday. I thought this was strange because usually you would already have plans for your birthday (I found out later he does not really have any friends). So while we were texting on Saturday afternoon we made a date for a Monday night to meet. We had settled on meeting at a local beach and then walking over to a local brewery for dinner and drinks or so I thought. Over the next 24 hours he started to change the plans over and over and over. I should have known then to put a stop to this date. If you have to send someone a text that states “Make a freaking decision and jut tell me where and what time to show up!” there is probably an issue. Needless to say Monday rolls around and I pull into the parking lot of the restaurant I’m meeting him at.
So here are some highlights:
* The pictures on his Facebook and dating website profile have got to be at least 10 years old.
* Did not try to look nice (work boots, dirty jeans, hair did not look combed)
* Seemed to lack some basic hygiene (body odor, and this odd smell that was either ash tray or maybe smelled like bong scrapings)
* Took me to the worst/cheapest conveyor belt sushi place and raved about it. It was so horrible! I ended up eating 2 plates of cooked California Rolls and then went home and ate a nice big spinach salad.
* Shared with me that he sold his daughters mini bike so he could afford to take me out on a date.
* Proceeded to tell me about a cyst he had on his nut sack 10 years ago that he thought was cancer and this experience was what started him on the path of smoking weed of which lead into asking me if I smoke.
* Told me he had a present for me of which he forgot and then had to tell me all about it (some vinyl records of some sort)
* Had previously told me he was a DJ but when I asked about it he said well not so much anymore because I pawned most of my equipment.
So let me elaborate…..
When I pulled up to the restaurant I knew it had to be him standing out front and right away I wanted to step on the gas and just text him some excuse as to why I could not show up, but right when I was about to do it I get a text from him that state “Oh I see you parking now”. Rats! Now I have to get out of my car. The only thing this guy did not lie about when it came to his looks was the fact that he was 6’3. He said he was 37 but man this guy looked closer to 50 years old. He was wearing dirty work clothes and seemed to lack in the general hygiene department. Needless to say I walk into this Sushi place and it just looks old and dingy. As I scan the place I see the conveyor belt with what looks like day old sushi trekking its way around the restaurant. Meanwhile Smelly Liar’s eyes are the size of saucers he’s so excited to sit down and eat. So we sit down and upon a closer look at the dishes going by I notice the little bonnet/hood type covers they put over the plates look dirty, broken and generally appear that they have covered approximately 2,058 previous sushi concoctions. Needless to say I’m not impressed and I don’t really want to eat here, but I venture forth to find something I’m comfortable with grabbing off the belt. I choose some California Rolls because I figure at least everything is cooked and I should be safer that way. I take my first bite and its warm, I’m thinking wow how does this place stay in business and then I look over at my date that at this point is finishing his second plate full and telling me how wonderful it is. I just nod my head and say “Yeah this is great I’ll have to remember this place and tell all my friends” (sometimes I’m just too nice).
So we make a bit of small talk, where do you work? Yes I enjoy my job. Blah, blah, blah Then I ask him if he always has Monday’s off from work and he tells me “No I only have Saturdays and Sundays off but I always have my kid on the weekend so I took today off just to meet you. I’ve been so nervous all day.” I’m thinking to myself that this seems weird to me. Personally I probably would not take off a day of work for a first date, but to each their own, right? So insert a bit more small talk and I mention “Wow you seem to really like it here you’ve had 6 or 7 plates of sushi, at least it seems pretty affordable here.” To which his response is “Yeah this is one of my all time favorite places to eat. I can just eat and eat and eat and it’s just so cheap! Although I’m totally broke at the moment so I had to sell my daughters mini-bike just to afford our date tonight.” So this guy is telling me that he sold off some of his daughters belongings just to afford shitty sushi with me, boy does this really make me feel special. Now all I can think is, poor kid. So dinner literally lasts 25 minutes and he says to me “So where’s this beach you wanted to take me to?” and I’m thinking I don’t want to take you anywhere, but instead what I really say is “Oh do you still want to go there? I thought since you changed the venue of this date so many times that this was all we were doing.” He says “No let’s go walk on the beach, so how do you get to this Mukilteo beach?” to which I reply “Didn’t you say you’ve lived here in this area since you were fifteen? How have you never been to Mukilteo?” He just says “I don’t know.” I tell him to just follow me there in the car.
So where off down the road and I think to myself that maybe I can speed and totally loose this guy then I’ll just text him that the sushi made me sick. My idea is quickly dashed when he rides my ass, sticking closer to my bumper then white on rice. We get to the beach and if you have ever been to this beach it’s not very big and it has a paved path that leads from the boat launch to the end of the beach. We walk and chat the length of one trip down the path and he says “Whew can we sit I’m whipped out?” I’m thinking we walked all of three minutes but okay. We are talking about family and he’s telling me he comes from a great big Catholic family when he asks me “So do you want to have kids soon? I want to have a whole bunch more kids, I only have one right now but I totally want more.” I’m thinking WOW does this guy come on strong but I tell him yes I’d love to have kids but I have no need to rush into anything. This line of conversation though starts taking a turn for the worse when he decides to tell me about a prostate cancer scare that just ended up being a cyst on his nut sack so everything ended up being alright but it caused him to go donate sperm for future children and got him hooked on smoking pot for the pain which lead him to ask me if I smoke pot. At this point I’m tuning this guy out and thinking what excuse I can use to get away from this cystoidal, smelly, nut sack of a man!
Basically while this guy goes on and on about some gift of vinyl records of some bands he thought I would like since he can’t use them anymore since he pawned all his DJ equipment. I think to myself, you know what self I don’t care what you say to this colossal retard you are going to leave Smelly Liar right here on this bench and go home. I chicken out and just tell him “Thank you for the lovely evening but I have to get home before dark and walk my dog.” (it’s lame I know but I promise I will make up for it later). So I get in my car and drive home and I cannot believe how crazy that whole date was. So while I’m home decompressing from this cluster fuck I decide to write this guy an email that says the following:
Hi Smelly Liar,
Thank you for the lovely time last night but I just don't feel a vibe between us. I would like to break it off now before anyone is to emotionally invested. I don't like to play games so I will not lead you on and try to be your friend. I think a clean break is best. I apologize for doing this in an email but I admittedly dislike confrontation which I'm sure is a disease of the digital age. If I may make a suggestion (for future dates) I feel like you tend to over share a bit. I think the story about the cyst on your nut sack is a bit much for a first date and you probably should not share with a girl that you had to sell one of your daughters possessions in order to take them out on a date it's not conducive to making a girl feel comfortable with you. I would also put some current photographs of yourself online instead of some that are pretty obviously a few years old.
I truly wish you the best of luck on your search for love I'm sorry it wasn't me.
Again thank you so much for dinner,
MsDmode
(Still to fucking nice, I know!)
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