Type_River's Rules of Engagement

So, I've fully committed myself to this online dating adventure. "Sure I'll meet you for drinks after a couple of emails and a phone call" I mean, why not if someone isn't giving me a serial killer vibe and you can make me laugh in an email? So often in the past, I've wanted to meet people, but then chickened out or over thought it.

I've been on a couple of dates now and while I fully intend to chronicle the best of the worst here. Especially if the two hours I've spent in your company has made me consider becoming a suicide statistic. I've come up with some important rules to make this whole filtering process easier and faster for everyone involved.

If you are going to be boring - be catacylismicaly boring. Be so boring that you make me fear that the universe has run out of energy and is grinding to a halt and you are just more tuned into it than the rest of us.

If you are going to be late, please don't tell me until I'm already at the agreed at location (I'm on time, more proof that I'm actually trying here) so I can sit there awkwardly trying not to replay scenes from bad romantic comedies where the girl gets stood up and the wait staff asks her to leave when closing. This gives me plenty of time to text message my friends in hopes of getting sympathy even though I know I'll just be mocked. (I might need better friends)

Please don't answer any questions with more than 3 words. I like that horrible silence between us as I watch you chew your food. It also gives me a chance to listen to the constant white noise buzzing in my ears and reminds me to buy ear plugs for the next concert I go to.

I'm sure there is more... but I have a date soon and I have to get prettied up. But I have to say that my biggest problem is with the dates that are neither great or bad. I don't know what to do with these stories, they don't amuse my coworkers or make them jealous and I can't write about them. So in closing, just do me a favor and be one or the other boys - great (kisser, conversationalist, dead baby joke teller) or really bad (no personality, rude, smelly) because I'm looking for good stories.